Where The Wild Things Are

Sam, my beautiful Sam, loves the book "Where The Wild Things Are".   He hands me his photo of the book to indicate that he wants to me to read it to him.   I clap and tell him "good job Sam!" and we walk hand in hand to his room and lie together in his little toddler bed. He pulls my arm underneath his head and nestles on my arm and lays his head onto my chest .  Words can't express how good it feels each and every time.   This book represents Autism and Sam to me.  For me, the wild things are his autism and right now they are pulling him back and forth... 


"off through night and day 
and in and out of weeks 
and almost over a year
 to where the wild things are."


And I am his mother with the "good things" waiting for him in the world.   Waiting for the moment when Sam feels lonely with the wild things as Max did and sails back to me.  The moment when Sam pretend plays, the moment when he discovers other children and makes friends, the moment when Sam REALLY talks to me.   The moment when he says "Mama, I love you."  For now Sam's life is at the spot closer to the beginning of the book where a forest has grown in Max's room and he is sailing to the wild things in his "private boat".  Where Sam is just out of reach and I am here waiting.  I know that Sam sense's the good things because he does better every day and I have every hope and all the faith in him that he WILL find his way back.... and I have faith in myself and my husband that we will find the right road to guide him on.  


Jonny and I were talking today.  I was sitting on the floor and we were talking about how parents out there with neuro-typical kids probably take all of the little things for granted. Jonny was in the restroom combing his hair for work and I had tears welling-up in my eyes as I watched our beautiful boy carefully place the plastic frying pan on the burner of his play kitchen, at first upside-down and then carefully turning it over and placing it the correct way.  I watched him push the fake toast up and down and I felt so proud.  You see part of Sam's autism means that he doesn't play with his toys the way he should and to see him do that made me feel so incredibly proud of him.   Every little thing he does, for example,  like after a year of showing him the sign for "more" today Sam looked me right in the eyes, grabbed my hands and showed me "more".  I would have given him an entire candy store had that been what he was asking for at that moment.  I started clapping and with excitement shouted "good job my Sam!! My smart boy!" and he made his cute little Sam sounds, and started hopping up and down and he hugged me so tightly.     It was my absolute "good thing" of the day.   


So back to me, sitting on the floor, tears in my eyes..as Sam actually plays with his toy kitchen.  I shouted out to my husband "Jonny come here!, look at our son!"  He quickly came out and softly turned his head to the side and looked at his son with a big smile on his face.  I don't recall his exact words but he was saying that he thinks of moments like this when he feels sad about Sam's autism.  Moments that we as parents experience absolute joy at even the tiniest of things.  The moments that most parents probably take for granted.   He said perhaps because of Sam's autism we are better parents to him, that we are closer to him because of it and that we appreciate him more.  


WE are fighting this, the 3 of us, with God leading the way.    Together we will help Sam to sense the "good things" from far away. Sam will have a moment with his wild thing called Autism, as in the book;



"But the wild things cried, "Oh please don't go-
 we'll eat you up-we love you so!"
 and Max said,  "No!"


"The wild things roared their terrible roars and gnashed their terrible teeth
  and rolled their terrible eyes and showed their terrible claws
  but Max stepped into his private boat and waved good-bye"


One day, Sam will say no to the autism.  One day he will find that he has a wild thing that is a part of him, but that isn't all of him.  Sam WILL sail back to us...


"over a year and in and out of weeks and through a day"  and we will be here, as we had been all along, waiting with all of the good things for our perfect sweet boy. 


I love you Sam, I love you so.

Where It Begins

Robert Frost (1874–1963).  Mountain Interval.  1920.

1. The Road Not Taken

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both And be one traveler, long I stood And looked down one as far as I could To where it bent in the undergrowth;         5 Then took the other, as just as fair, And having perhaps the better claim, Because it was grassy and wanted wear; Though as for that the passing there Had worn them really about the same,         10 And both that morning equally lay In leaves no step had trodden black. Oh, I kept the first for another day! Yet knowing how way leads on to way, I doubted if I should ever come back.         15 I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.         20

This poem really relays how I feel about our son's autism diagnosis.  Struggling everyday to choose the right path for Sam.  It's mild...PDD-NOS..(pervasive developmental disorder-not otherwise specified).  I hate it, because I don't think of our beautiful boy as having a disorder and so I live on an emotional roller coaster of ambivalent thinking.  He is SO happy and I know that the future will be and IS so bright for him.  It is so hard to let go of what I thought his childhood was going to be and to embrace a different childhood and life for my Sam.  I still struggle to find real acceptance with this. I don't want him to struggle.
Medicaid makes me feel helpless sometimes..how can they be so ignorant to autism?  It isn't a new issue but yet therapies that have been proven to work aren't even recognized by medicaid, specifically ABA therapy (Applied Behavioral Analysis) It's far from not right.

So onto my good things in the day today;
Sam stacked blocks..all on his own!  Tears welled up in my eyes and I looked at Jonny (my Husband) and he looked back at me with that all too familiar happy and proud expression.. and I gave Sam the biggest hug.  We both let out "I'm so proud of you my Sam" We are both SO proud of our smart boy.  He is exactly 2 years and 6 months old by the way.  He has big blue eyes & dimples that he gets from his Mama, stubbornness from us both and pure happiness from within.

Lets make it clear now at the beginning of whatever this is... Sam is my reason for happiness, my reason for living and I am grateful to have him, lucky that God chose to give us this amazing and perfect little boy to love and take care of.  I will rant and rave, I will complain, I will express anger, ambivalence and disdain for this wild thing of Autism.  But in spite of all of that I LOVE my son, my top priority is his happiness.  This blog is meant to help comfort the loneliness I feel because of autism and to embrace all the good things I have in my life.
Autismspeaks.org 100 day kit
Autism Support Groups in Texas
PDD-NOS
What is ABA?