Hope

Today I've heard the word hope a lot. Maybe it's because I needed to hear it, to feel it. Some days are filled with guilt over whether or not I'm doing enough, is Sam at the right place, does he have enough therapy? Is there something that I should be trying that would help him more? Why doesn't he talk? I have random moments where I just start crying. I need the tears sometimes to push-on...to say "I'm not ever going to stop fighting for you". The tears allow me to feel the hurt over the loss of the life that my child should have had. Those random moments allow me to feel pissed-off about it, to feel the bleak and ugly unfairness of it all and to say to God "I am angry at you."  I also must, in the same day, thank God.  To embrace the fact that I am glad for the life my child has, because believe me I am SO incredibly lucky to have him.   Each day I must look Sam in the face, tears or not..with or without words, and say "WE'VE got this" and to ALWAYS remind myself that Autism will never have us..even on the days where I feel it has swallowed us whole.   I will always know that because of the challenges our boy faces, my love for him will be that much more intense and that we will become stronger than we ever knew we could be. So, autism, be warned..we will never go down without a fight..in fact..we will never go down at all.