Deep Breath

Pulling tugging yelling squealing jumping pushing crying running screaming falling touching hugging.... 
(Deep breath)
"What do you want?"
Strained and close to tears
I'm sweating trying to hold in my anger
Just a child..my child..our child.I shake my fist to God in my head..
screaming out from the inside
Why? Why did you take his words?
Don't say, don't let them know sometimes you hate it
That Autism is a dirty word
A hated fool..an unwelcome chain on my child
Don't break down
Don't give up
Don't lose hope
One day you'll hear "mama"
One day you'll hear "I love you"
We will beat this
He will beat this
I will never leave him
Never hurt him
(Deep Breath)
Come here, let me hold you sweet boy
I will pull you
The wild things can't have you!
I am here waiting
Here waiting for you
Here waiting for you
Here waiting for.......you.
(Deep breath)



This is a Poem that I wrote to describe the dark side of autism for me. We have days like this that are difficult and frustrating but we also have so many other days that are beautiful, happy, encouraging and in both cases full of God. Even when I want to ask God why and shake my fist at him, he loves me and he has a plan for Sam and our family. I think it is SO important to grieve, to cry, to feel anger and frustration, to say it isn't fair and then take a deep breath and move on. Autism isn't always pretty and I wish that Sam didn't have to struggle with it, so we will fight it, always and I will love him always. I will feel lucky that Sam just has autism, I will feel lucky that I simply have my Sam. So I extend these words to those that live here in this place with us..to those that feel alone or discouraged. It's okay to feel angry and cry..so do it, but don't forget to see the good you have and most of all NEVER forget to fight and to breath..the exhale is coming.